Change the Man in the Mirror.

At school I loved history and I still do, in class we had lectures on the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, and the indescribable violence and hardships of everyday life, living through the horrors of the plague and raids. Life during the Middle Age.

We memorized the different social classes; The farmers, the tradesman, the seigniory, and the king.  Exploitation of the masses to feed the few said, Karl Marx. We then quickly covered the chapter on slavery, genocide, the industrial revolution, and Darwinism. Industrial Revolution . We were made to memorize dozens of battle dates, names of the kings, queens, military leaders, monuments to our heroes. Thank God! I was thinking, I was born now when I could enjoy all the benefits of an easy and comfortable life. I never related to any of the historical events.  Those were a long time ago, we were now wiser, smarter, we had the protection of our constitution, our laws and our leaders are not born but they are elected by the people. We have a democracy. Little did I know...  when I scratched the surface, nothing looked like it seemed. My utopia was an illusion kept alive by social media, television, now smart TVs and the latest iPhone. We are kept in a haze of pink, fluffy clouds. We are entertained to keep us happy. Didn’t the Romans already get that down to an art at the Coliseum?  

Meanwhile, a select few are deciding what we need, what we want, and what's best for us. Like when we build monuments for the Holocaust to remind us “never again” yet we say "never again" in the looming smoke shrouding genocides of the 20th Century.20th-21th Century Genocide

Exploitation of a group by another seems to be a fact of the world from its genesis. Today the gap between those who have and those who have not still separate us by class, gender, and color. At any given time, somewhere in our global world, there are civil wars, wars, hunger, diseases, natural disasters, and terrorist attacks. The suffering of humanity is unimaginable. We are informed of these events in 30-second segments between a game and the next reality T.V. show during the evening news. If we blinked we miss it. McDonald's new menu deal or the latest luxury car advertisement is infinitely louder and grab more interest. We are made to be desensitized to suffering, to violence, to humanity’s cries.

The United States of America is a very young country, in its 250 years since its independence, it was always involved directly or indirectly in conflicts. List of Wars involving the United States

The first thing the pilgrims did is the genocide of the native.

Civilization is a freight train destroying anything in its path. I felt overwhelmed with all the misery, the sadness, and cruelty we can subject to one another. I felt helpless, insignificant, that the problem is too great to solve. I thought that humans are inherently cruel.

Then there are those people with extreme acts of kindness, devotion, those who make ultimate sacrifices for humanity: Christ, Joan of Arc, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa.. Figures which give me back hope.

I wanted to make a difference too. I did not have blinding faith, I didn't have super powers, I was not special...I given up before even trying. My solution? stop watching the news all together.

Burying my head was obviously not the solution. I could maybe not stop world hunger, injustice, racial divides, wars or poverty, but I could donate my time, I could volunteer to soup kitchen, to big brother or big sister, habitat for humanity…Volunteer Opportunities there are so many organizations who need help.

I did not need to look too far to find I could make a difference. I offered financial support for the college expense of a family member whose parents did not have the means. In return I only asked that she passed her classes and pay it forward.

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. - Sir Winston Churchill

Little acts of kindness is not going to make me famous but the repercussion of a simple act are infinite.  We may not witness it, but in that moment we know.

You too make a difference in your life and in someone else’s. I am not advocating extremes, starting in our neighborhood, your community, you can make a difference.

“No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted”  - Aesop

when you see someone  embarrassed for being short of a couple cents or a couple of dollars on her groceries, step in and offer to cover the difference - skip your Latte today - . At school someone is on the side lines, go to say hello. At the parking lot, ask the attendant how is his day. Little acts of kindness are like little stars. One at a time, they illuminate the night sky.

“ Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Ghandi

How to read fairytales.

Welcome to 2018.

With access to technology, the world is a smaller place. But conventions are still the same.

In the 70’s, I was a little girl. My background is Turkish, but I was raised in Belgium, and like most children with supportive families, I was told I could do and be anything I wanted, but I had to work hard and not give up. My parents were the first generation of immigrants to move from Turkey to Belgium. They left Turkey carrying with them two small children and their dreams.  Make sacrifices and work hard was their motto.

Like all little girls, I was exposed to beautiful fairy tales: Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Peau D’Âne. In my young adulthood, I would read Jane Austen, the Bronte Sisters, and others. The stories were pretty similar; a young girl is rescued by a handsome "prince," they marry and live "happily ever after."  We never know what happens "after" because the story ends.   I found my prince and got married, the honeymoon was the "happy ever after."  But my story did not end there, there were the "afters" of life... Grueling realities of monotonous daily routines and the prince not always being so very charming.

I had a beautiful daughter. I did not send my little princess at three years old to the right school. At seven years old, she was not enrolled in the girls scouts. At 8 years old I did not send her to the right dance classes, or athletic center. I did not buy her 300$ pair of UGG boots in middle school.  In high school she did not dress with the latest trends or go to sleepovers and pajama parties. I did not realize living in a upscale, predominantly white neighborhood with a blue ribbon high school was enforcing her mal a l'aise. I tried to give her my time, let her be her own person and develop her own talent, encourage her to embrace her rich multicultural background, to see her own beauty. Little did I know that I, too, was in fact ostracizing her, marginalizing her. When she left home every morning, she was fighting alone to be accepted for her differences, her “otherness.”

“To belong is to know, even in the middle of the night, that I'm among friends.” - Peter Block

Highschool classic movies come to mind when  "Mean Girl" "Clueless" every teenager are looking up to and want to be with the "In Crowd." Then comes the Ivy league college where you will meet the right friends, sign up to the right sisterhood, follow up your education with the perfect job, meet the perfect partner, live the picture perfect family life, nestle in a exclusive gated neighborhood.

And yet, even after going through these motions, millions of women will still feel something is missing. Young girl who read innocent magical stories will know all along that something was missing.

We got it all wrong.... We do not need saving...  We have careers, independence, money, but women are waiting for the “handsome prince” to be happy ever after still.. Because women are taught that they are incomplete, that they are not everything they need to be just as they are.  And while sometimes the “prince” is understood to be a human being, it is fundamentally, at its core, a savior figure, a saving grace. That is a lot a weight to put on a human being.

Yes, we can be anything we want... but let’s read the disclaimer here: if we choose a trade rather than going to college, if  we do not live in the right neighborhood, go with the trends, go on vacation to the hip destinations, we feel we are missing on the happily ever after.

I asked the questions, why? and realized that I was part of the problem, I taught my daughter values prioritizing achievement to well being. I told her to believe in fairytales, I have said the same thing to her about her potential and her being special, putting emphasis on her accomplishments rather than preparing her to live her life, love her life.

Society, we are as much part of it as we are victim to it. We are living and feeding the superficial monster in all of us.

In 2018, sure we have different ethnicities among Barbie's friends. But she is still the queen bee.  She has her sorority, her bffs, and the handsome Ken. How can we, daughters of immigrants from all over the globe, or daughters from a mixed background not be affected? There are no human beings that could resemble Barbie, but how can a four years old little girl know that looking at the person in the mirror? We might like to answer this easily and say, we have to ...

But this is a prevalent, seething, deep rooted social understanding created by a patriarchal society, that will constantly barrage our sisters, friends, mothers, and daughters for lifetime.

Actresses, Entertainers, photoshopped Models on the front page of magazines feed the monster perpetrating the feeling of inadequacy of millions of girls and women of been outcast.

Yet so many of these “celebrities” are also women chasing their happily ever afters. Their projected image is an apparatus to.

Researches and studies over generations have time and time again exposed the damage that the beauty market is causing young girls. We are creating a generation of women who suffer from crippling eating disorders, depression, inconsolable narcissism, and cyclical anxiety. Books, articles, investigative documentaries put forth the damage we are doing to the next generation. "Dorothy" followed the yellow brick road to find Oz and looked behind the curtain...

I looked behind the curtain and found "money," lots of money. Billions upon billions are spent on cosmetic surgeries, miracle beauty products, the latest fashions. There is a whole industry behind the myth of beauty and the medical industry also profit keeping the status quo by pumping  Zoloft, Xanax to numb the pain and feed the emptiness in our soul.

Waking up to these truths might be the most painful part of the process of healing. The rest is your “after” to create because, of course, we have to keep living. In conclusion, it is David against Goliath, but it is going to take more than a slingshot, awareness is not sufficient. How can you be part of the change? I am looking forward to hear your comments.

Chasing Happily Ever After.

Worst Celebrity Photoshop

Average Cost of Plastic Surgery in U.S.

Anxiety and Depression Statistic in the U.S.

Global cosmetics News

How to face "Narcissist Personality Disorder." abuser.

Narcissus.

Narcissus in Greek mythology was a hunter, son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope.  He was proud, and hansom, he disdained those who loved him, driving some to commit suicide to prove their devotion to his striking beauty. Nemesis noticed this behavior and attracted Narcissus to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell deeply in love with it. Unable to leave the allure of his reflection in the pool, his love never been reciprocated, Narcissus lost his will to live and committed suicide. In some versions of the myth, Narcissus stared into his reflection until he withered away, where his body disappears a narcissus flower took root.

Definition
Narcissist: Noun:

1. A person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish 

2. A person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his own physical or mental attributes.

Now that we have reviewed the myth and the definition of Narcissist, let talk of Narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is a trait. One is not born with it, NPD is a parenting by products of simultaneously over and under indulging. How?  by giving credits on only exterior achievements, "We are going to the best vacation...   you are going to be the best player... you are going to be the best looking..."  and not building the child's emotional self. The child learn to pair self-worth with only great achievements.
We all heard of someone called  " he/she is such a narcissist …  "
In a social context there is nothing wrong on showing self confidence and been assertive. It is a red flag when one self confidence or assertive attitude hurt others around leaving the perpetrator without any remorse.  Been in a relationship with a narcissist is been slowly stripped of all senses and imperceptibly been absorbed in a toxic interaction. The narcissist is a master of manipulator.
These are the 4 steps use by the Narcissist.

1.     Love-bombing.

Love Bombing is the first stage of grooming the narcissist will use to convince you, you have met your soulmate. He will idealize you, putting on a pedestal, making you the center of their world, been in constant contact, showering you day and night with attentions, flattery and praise. The idea is that you are the one he was waiting all along.

2.    The devaluation.

The devaluation phase follows the idealization phase, covertly criticizing and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you , emotionally withdrawing from you, ghosting you. You are voice your concern you are left in the dark.

It is during that phase that you will see the true face of the narcissist that this is the person you love . You will blame yourself and struggle to find the man or woman in the beginning of the relationship.

You will work harder to please, you will slowly loose yourself esteem, questioning yourself in every stage of your emotions.

3.   Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to confuse you, they invalidate and criticize your emotions and displace the blame of their abuse on you.

"you provoked me," "you're too sensitive," "I never said that," "you are abusive," they use gaslight to let you think that they are the victim.

4.  Triangulation.

Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship whether it be an ex-love, a relative or a complete stranger.  Triangulation can take place over social media or in person. The narcissist relies on jealousy that cause you to compete for their affections.

"I wish you'd be more like her" "She or he wants me back into his life, I don't know what to do?'

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms

Believe to be superior
Sense of entitlement

Take advantage of others

Envious of others

Enjoy been the center of attention

Set unrealistic goals

Have wide, fast mood swings

Lacks  empathies

Lacks of compassion.

Incredibly insecure

Incredibly charming

Incredibly competitive

Hold Grudges

Don t take criticism

If you are in a relationship with someone who owns at least 6 of these criteria, you may be with someone with narcissist personality disorder. These can be anyone in your live; a family member, a friend, a partner.

How to Free yourself from a Narcissistic relationship.

The person you met in the beginning of your relation was never real. It was just a mean to end. Do  not blame yourself either, you were the victim. Your are a survivor, stop the self blame. Now it is time to heal. The first and most important step is "No Contact"

As soon as the narcissist realize he is loosing his control on his victim, he will start again the love bombing technique, then again the gaslights technique.  He will know to say all the right thing, apologize, promises. 

He will pursue his victim relentlessly or until he will find another supplier to feed his ego.

The victim will search for the person "the narcissist" they met in the begins of they relationship. That person was an illusion, they never was real.

Unlike a typical break-up you will stay fixated and obsessed on your abuser. Like most victim of abuse you will never gets the validation and closure you are looking for.

With time and the "no contact" you will become mentally stronger, with the help of  a good support system you will feel better.  If you need help reach out to the medical profession, you are not alone.

I do not pretend to have the solution or the answers, Narcissism is a complex disorder, those who are sucked in the gravitational pull of such an individual have a hard time disengaging but it can be done.

My post is to start you on the long journey toward recovery, you will be able to do this; by recognizing the narcissist,  then know it was never your fault but you are manipulated to believe you were to be blamed. You will not accept anymore toxic relationship. You will love again. You are a survivor.

Reference:

Common Signs & Symptoms

Signs You Might Be a Narcissist

Signs Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Dictionary.com

Gaslighting Video

Abuse Recovery Coach.

These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist

Dr. Ramani Durvasula