Welcome to 2018.
With access to technology, the world is a smaller place. But conventions are still the same.
In the 70’s, I was a little girl. My background is Turkish, but I was raised in Belgium, and like most children with supportive families, I was told I could do and be anything I wanted, but I had to work hard and not give up. My parents were the first generation of immigrants to move from Turkey to Belgium. They left Turkey carrying with them two small children and their dreams. Make sacrifices and work hard was their motto.
Like all little girls, I was exposed to beautiful fairy tales: Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Peau D’Âne. In my young adulthood, I would read Jane Austen, the Bronte Sisters, and others. The stories were pretty similar; a young girl is rescued by a handsome "prince," they marry and live "happily ever after." We never know what happens "after" because the story ends. I found my prince and got married, the honeymoon was the "happy ever after." But my story did not end there, there were the "afters" of life... Grueling realities of monotonous daily routines and the prince not always being so very charming.
I had a beautiful daughter. I did not send my little princess at three years old to the right school. At seven years old, she was not enrolled in the girls scouts. At 8 years old I did not send her to the right dance classes, or athletic center. I did not buy her 300$ pair of UGG boots in middle school. In high school she did not dress with the latest trends or go to sleepovers and pajama parties. I did not realize living in a upscale, predominantly white neighborhood with a blue ribbon high school was enforcing her mal a l'aise. I tried to give her my time, let her be her own person and develop her own talent, encourage her to embrace her rich multicultural background, to see her own beauty. Little did I know that I, too, was in fact ostracizing her, marginalizing her. When she left home every morning, she was fighting alone to be accepted for her differences, her “otherness.”
“To belong is to know, even in the middle of the night, that I'm among friends.” - Peter Block
Highschool classic movies come to mind when "Mean Girl" "Clueless" every teenager are looking up to and want to be with the "In Crowd." Then comes the Ivy league college where you will meet the right friends, sign up to the right sisterhood, follow up your education with the perfect job, meet the perfect partner, live the picture perfect family life, nestle in a exclusive gated neighborhood.
And yet, even after going through these motions, millions of women will still feel something is missing. Young girl who read innocent magical stories will know all along that something was missing.
We got it all wrong.... We do not need saving... We have careers, independence, money, but women are waiting for the “handsome prince” to be happy ever after still.. Because women are taught that they are incomplete, that they are not everything they need to be just as they are. And while sometimes the “prince” is understood to be a human being, it is fundamentally, at its core, a savior figure, a saving grace. That is a lot a weight to put on a human being.
Yes, we can be anything we want... but let’s read the disclaimer here: if we choose a trade rather than going to college, if we do not live in the right neighborhood, go with the trends, go on vacation to the hip destinations, we feel we are missing on the happily ever after.
I asked the questions, why? and realized that I was part of the problem, I taught my daughter values prioritizing achievement to well being. I told her to believe in fairytales, I have said the same thing to her about her potential and her being special, putting emphasis on her accomplishments rather than preparing her to live her life, love her life.
Society, we are as much part of it as we are victim to it. We are living and feeding the superficial monster in all of us.
In 2018, sure we have different ethnicities among Barbie's friends. But she is still the queen bee. She has her sorority, her bffs, and the handsome Ken. How can we, daughters of immigrants from all over the globe, or daughters from a mixed background not be affected? There are no human beings that could resemble Barbie, but how can a four years old little girl know that looking at the person in the mirror? We might like to answer this easily and say, we have to ...
But this is a prevalent, seething, deep rooted social understanding created by a patriarchal society, that will constantly barrage our sisters, friends, mothers, and daughters for lifetime.
Actresses, Entertainers, photoshopped Models on the front page of magazines feed the monster perpetrating the feeling of inadequacy of millions of girls and women of been outcast.
Yet so many of these “celebrities” are also women chasing their happily ever afters. Their projected image is an apparatus to.
Researches and studies over generations have time and time again exposed the damage that the beauty market is causing young girls. We are creating a generation of women who suffer from crippling eating disorders, depression, inconsolable narcissism, and cyclical anxiety. Books, articles, investigative documentaries put forth the damage we are doing to the next generation. "Dorothy" followed the yellow brick road to find Oz and looked behind the curtain...
I looked behind the curtain and found "money," lots of money. Billions upon billions are spent on cosmetic surgeries, miracle beauty products, the latest fashions. There is a whole industry behind the myth of beauty and the medical industry also profit keeping the status quo by pumping Zoloft, Xanax to numb the pain and feed the emptiness in our soul.
Waking up to these truths might be the most painful part of the process of healing. The rest is your “after” to create because, of course, we have to keep living. In conclusion, it is David against Goliath, but it is going to take more than a slingshot, awareness is not sufficient. How can you be part of the change? I am looking forward to hear your comments.
Chasing Happily Ever After.
